Mood Diary

Frustrated today and angry for some reason. Not at anyone/thing in particular, probably myself. Feel like I’m wasting my life. The inside of my head is screaming at my inaction and apathy. I feel stagnant and like I need to get things moving. I hope this does not make me difficult to be around and I’m paranoid about giving off negative vibes. Don’t want to feel anger. Ugh.

Learning is the only thing for you

The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, “is to learn something. That’s the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”

T.H White ‘The Once and Future King’

Wisteria

“In pale moonlight/the wisteria’s scent/comes from far away”

Yosa Buson

Wisteria

There is a beautiful Wisteria tunnel in my local park,  planted, I think in 1901 when the grounds were being constructed. For years now, it has been a nice place to go when calmness and reflection is needed. Sometimes, just to walk through it on a spring or summer’s day (like the day this photo was taken) brings a huge sense of  happiness and well- being, however fleeting. It’s a pleasure to walk through the old, twisted, sturdy roots, and at the same time to be surrounded by its sweet, beautiful scent, touch its purple flowers on the bridge of my nose and feel the warm, butterfly breeze on my skin.

But oh, it brings back memories too. Scent- memories, sense- memories, real memories. Memories of our old house. The wisteria crawling up the veranda in the front garden.  Our beautiful, old, happy, family home- before the floor became the ceiling and the ceiling became the floor and everything got so topsy-turvy.

I’ve always loved that smell, but it’s bitter- sweet. Even its name reminds me of the precise feeling it gives me. Wistfulness, mixed with nostalgia, mixed with happiness and the past.

A list of things that depression sometimes makes me feel

Some Physical Things:

Lethargic. Aching. Unbalanced. Clumsy. Uncoordinated. Shattered. Blurred vision. Wiped out. Clammy hands. Dry mouth. Sick in the morning. Poor hearing. Butterflies in stomach. Difficulty swallowing. Breathlessness. Stomach turning over. Needing to retch. Acid reflux. Light-headed. Loose Bowels. Dizzy. Heart palpitations. Heavy. Unable to move. Tingling in hands and feet. Shortness of breath. Panic attack. Clammy hands. Cold sweats. Aching skin. Stiff muscles. Goosebumps on flesh. Exhausted.

Some Psychological Things:

Dislocated. Alienated. Paranoid. Hopeless. Melancholic. Hysterical. Impassive. Cold. Numb. Outcast. Withdrawn. Meaningless. Self- Destructive. Isolated. Desolate. Disengaged. Angry. Sardonic. Scared. Empty. Calcified. Rootless. Raging. Impotent. Guilty. Worried. Terrified. Foreboding. Annoyed. Uneasy. Emotionless. Empty. Adrift. Indifferent. Passionate. Emotional. Sensitive. Negative. Resigned. Fatalistic. Hopeful. Worthless. Brave. Surreal. Doomed. Exhausted.

And that’s just before breakfast. It’s no picnic.