A list of things that depression sometimes makes me feel

Some Physical Things:

Lethargic. Aching. Unbalanced. Clumsy. Uncoordinated. Shattered. Blurred vision. Wiped out. Clammy hands. Dry mouth. Sick in the morning. Poor hearing. Butterflies in stomach. Difficulty swallowing. Breathlessness. Stomach turning over. Needing to retch. Acid reflux. Light-headed. Loose Bowels. Dizzy. Heart palpitations. Heavy. Unable to move. Tingling in hands and feet. Shortness of breath. Panic attack. Clammy hands. Cold sweats. Aching skin. Stiff muscles. Goosebumps on flesh. Exhausted.

Some Psychological Things:

Dislocated. Alienated. Paranoid. Hopeless. Melancholic. Hysterical. Impassive. Cold. Numb. Outcast. Withdrawn. Meaningless. Self- Destructive. Isolated. Desolate. Disengaged. Angry. Sardonic. Scared. Empty. Calcified. Rootless. Raging. Impotent. Guilty. Worried. Terrified. Foreboding. Annoyed. Uneasy. Emotionless. Empty. Adrift. Indifferent. Passionate. Emotional. Sensitive. Negative. Resigned. Fatalistic. Hopeful. Worthless. Brave. Surreal. Doomed. Exhausted.

And that’s just before breakfast. It’s no picnic.

Mission Statement

Through this blog, I sincerely hope to start picking my way slowly through the last decade or so of my life, in order to make sense of some of the chaos and upheaval that has taken place in my past. I hope that, by understanding and exploring some of the major turning points in my life so far, it will help me to understand how to deal better with living with depression and to help me to, finally, express all of the feelings and emotions that have been building up inside of me for so long. I have come to believe that, ‘expression is the enemy of depression,’ and this will be my attempt at just that. I’m completely fed up with taking it lying down, so this is my stab at some kind of fight. I will probably make hundreds of mistakes, as I’m completely new to blogging, but I would very much like it to be a learning process as well as a creative and restorative one. I don’t think I will work my way chronologically through the timeline of my life (who knows? It’s an experiment.) Instead I intend to tell my stories  (some happy, some extremely sad, and yes, some even funny!) as honestly and truthfully as I possibly can, sometimes in the context of songs, books, plays, art, poems that I have loved and have meant a great deal to me over the years.  If it’s relevant and I’m interested in it (I’m interested in most things) then sooner or later it will probably make its way into these pages. I welcome any comments or feedback along the way, this is a completely new, and slightly intimidating, world for me! I hope you can join me on this journey (of sorts) it will be lovely to have you along.

Pledge

Life’s is a funny old thing isn’t it? Today, completely out of the blue, I decided that I would like to write something down about my life. Put down something, anything, that would actually try to make some sense of the last decade (and a bit) that has changed me and my life so completely. So, with a deep breath and a heart full of apprehension, here is my first post on my first ever blog. And it’s dedicated to anyone who has ever felt depressed, not just a bit blue from time-to-time though. No, I’m talking to anyone that has ever felt as though they were standing on the outside of life, looking in at the other people, getting on with things and being happy, being ‘normal’. To anyone who has ever felt like complete shit because, yet again, for the third day running, they can’t lift their sorry, sad, aching body from their beds because the thought of facing the world is simply too terrifying to face. To anyone who has given up, dropped out, shut down, turned off. To anyone who feels that their precious voice has been taken from them because of one stupid word. To anyone who has ever felt like going to the top of a cliff and screaming at the top of their lungs, just to let the anger and sadness and pain go somewhere other than inside themselves. And to anyone who feels alone. You’re not, I feel it too.