Cocoon

When I’m lying in my bed, it feels safe and warm. Nestled in under the duvet, it feels like I’m protected from the world and no-one can hurt me. I spend far too much time in bed. In fact, that’s where I’ve just spent the last three days, lying still and prostrate, only getting up to visit the bathroom or perhaps make some toast. If I was feeling like really treating myself, I may have brushed my teeth or even had a wash. I don’t know because I can’t really remember. It’s just like all the other times it’s happened, one big blur. I haven’t cried, or talked to anyone- I just lay there and felt nothing.

 It’s been three full days of beautiful, glorious crisp winter weather and crystal clear blue skies. Yet, there I was wasting precious time, time that I haven’t got, huddled in my bed, feeling like sodding doomsday had come. The truly ridiculous thing is that deep down, I know that this is the absolute worst, worst thing to do. The cocoon doesn’t make you feel better.  It thinks it does,  but in reality, it only makes things far worse.  What I think is the thing protecting me, is really the thing that is making me worse. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think? (Thanks Alanis.)

It’s not all doom and gloom though. Today I’ve gone into overdrive, I suspect,  to make up for the guilt of wallowing around in a pit of my own seething self-pity for three days.  But this is hardly healthy either is it? I’ve cleaned the house from top to toe, taken off all my sheets, including my valance and under sheet, to be washed and written to an old friend who is expecting a baby on Friday (we’ve grown apart because of my continued self- isolation and recluse-like behaviour over the years and it breaks my heart.) In short, I’ve tried to wipe all evidence from the face of the earth that the last few days have ever happened. I think I may be trying to assuage my guilt. Who knows though? I’m not a shrink.

Still, I’m going to try to make the most of this ‘being- up time.’ It’s a beautiful day outside and I’ve got some lovely, truly comforting and health- giving soup puttering away on the stove ready to be eaten. Hell, I might even brave the big wide world and go for a walk!

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3 thoughts on “Cocoon

  1. I’ve spent many days like this in the past, sometimes on and off for years. My response was also to clean and change the sheets. I force myself to walk the dog daily. It does help

    • Hello Cat. Thank you so much for the follow and taking the time to comment on this post. Much appreciated 🙂 Really? That’s so interesting that you do the same after having a few difficult days. I wonder why it is. I’m sorry that you’ve been through the same, it’s not nice is it? You’re totally right walking the dog does help a lot. I used to have one (he’s gone to doggy heaven now) but it was something to get you out and about at least once a day, it’s good to have to take care of someone else too. I used to like that he loved going on his daily walk – it made me feel needed I guess.

      • Pets can keep us connected. I am processing losing my little Oscar by DEEP cleaning the home….scrubbing parts that were never scrubbed before!! I suppose this sort of act helps us move forward

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